Trolling ain't easy
by TheNinthCircleofHell
Summary: An insight into the terribly difficult life of Yukari Yakumo. When one thinks in portals, even the simplest of tasks become simpler.


_Not really much a story here, mostly just Yukari being Yukari. Started writing this on a whim, really._

'Mistress! Please wake up!' cried Ran, smacking her master over the head.

Beneath the snoozing body of Yukari Yakumo weakly failed the limp form of her shikigami-shikigami, Chen. Tasked with waking up her master and instead getting rolled on top of, she found herself running dangerously low on oxygen.

Ran was in a panic, for no amount of violence seemed to stir the behemoth that was Yukari's slumber.

'Don't worry, Ran,' smiled Yuyuko. 'I've got an old trick for waking her up.'

'Please hurry!'

Yuyuko rubbed her stomach, warming herself up. 'And, ahhh!'

Yukari shot out of bed, her instincts telling her she was in grave danger of being eaten.

'Oh, hey, Yuyuko. What time is it?' asked Yukari, noticing company.

'Tuesday.'

'No wonder I feel so tired. Maybe I'll go back to bed…' Yukari yawned, lying straight back down on Chen, who was still shakily making her way back to Ran's side.

'Mistress!'

It was then Yukari noticed the shikigami deflating beneath her. 'Chen, what are you doing down there, you silly girl?'

Yukari got up, properly this time.

'That strange fear that of being consumed has left me feeling oddly hungry myself,' she said, flourishing a sandwich.

Ran sighed.

'Mistress, Sakuya's going to find out if you keep looting her kitchens like this.'

'Ran, don't worry your cute little head about it. I've got us covered.'

_Meanwhile, at the Scarlet Devil Mansion…_

Meiling, on the alert, had a good feeling about today. Today, she would be the perfect gatekeeper. Nothing would get by her. Not even disembodied hands with the intention of bitchslapping her, dragging her into Remilia's pantry and sprinkling crumbs over her unconscious body.

It was an oddly specific thing to look out for, but one could never be too careful.

'CHINAAAA!'

She woke up in Remilia's pantry, Sakuya standing over her, brandishing her knife and looking like death itself.

'You're making a suspicious face, mistress,' said Ran as Yukari played around with her hands in gaps.

'Like I said, don't worry about it.'

'Lady Yuyuko,' said Youmu, entering the room. 'We're out of food again.'

'Can't you buy some more?' asked Yuyuko, pouting.

'You've eaten through our budget for the next three months!' cried Youmu. Finances in the Saigyouji household were a stressful matter.

'Youmu, don't worry about it,' reassured Yukari, placing her hand on the shoulder of the half-ghost girl. 'Let me take care of it. I'd never let my dear friend go hungry. Well, unreasonably hungry, anyway.'

'Yukari!' Youmu's eyes lit up. 'Thank you. I won't forget this.'

She wiped away the tears that had begun welling up in her eyes. Money really was a serious issue here.

Yukari smiled. 'See? I am reliable when it comes down to it.'

'No, you're really not,' replied Ran. But she was already gone.

* * *

'It's been such a while since I've been down to the human village,' said Yukari, twirling her parasol. 'I wonder what I'll get.'

She noticed a silver-haired, sour-faced girl leaving the village, walking up towards her, laden with bags.

'Good afternoon, miss Yakumo.'

'Oh, it's the maid. Hello Sakuya, doing some shopping?'

'More than I intended to. That greedy Meiling, she never learns.'

Yukari gave her best, good-natured smile. 'You know, when she was younger, Ran used to steal food all the time.'

Sakuya raised her eyebrows, surprised. 'Really? But she's such a straitlaced girl.'

'It's true. But I was very strict on her. Made sure she got the message. And now, look at her. She's more proper than I am. In any case, the point I was trying to make was you have to be hard with Meiling. If you think you're being too soft on her, you need to show some tough love. _Really _make sure she understands who's boss.'

'I'll keep that in mind.' Sakuya beamed. 'Thank you, Yukari. I'm glad we talked.'

'Oh, think nothing of it.'

Yukari wandered around the village, wondering what would sate Yuyuko's appetite. Something impressive, no doubt, but there was really no limit to what she could take back with her. Interdimensional pockets are useful like that.

'Thank you for your patronage!'

Yukari let loose, buying great, hulking slabs of meat, several whole chickens and literal bucketloads of ramen, happily shelling cash out of a purse that didn't seem to have a bottom.

She always wondered what Reimu thought about the strange lack of money in her donation box. Perhaps she thought of her worshipers as misers. Either way, she had never come to Yukari about it, so, free pass until then.

_Well_, she thought, humming idly to herself, _this should keep Yuyuko happy for the next… day or two. I might as well grab a bite to eat myself, while I'm here._

So, she bought a set of dango and happily set herself down outside the shop, feeling ready to reward herself for her day of strenuous exercise.

'Oi, border youkai.'

Yukari turned. It was that black and white girl sitting next to her, eating dango of her own.

'Hello to you too, magician. I would have thought you'd be at the Scarlet Devil mansion.'

Marisa cocked her head. 'Why would you think that?'

'Oh, just that the gatekeeper is likely indisposed today. Great opportunity to take some of those spellbooks you've been eyeing down.'

'Eheh.' Marisa scratched the back of her head, somewhat abashed. 'I suppose you would know about my visits.'

'It's important to keep an eye or two or three out. Never know what you might learn.'

'You know, you could help me if you want.'

'Me?' Yukari tried to look affronted. 'I'm a neutral party. And regardless, I would never use my power for something as petty as stealing.'

Marisa looked a little put out, but shrugged. 'By the way, are you coming to the party at Reimu's place tonight?'

'Oh, a party? Why hasn't Reimu invited me? That's a little mean.'

Marisa grinned.

'I doubt she'd invite you if she knew about it, but, she kind of doesn't. You know how she is. So, I decided to throw a party myself.'

Yukari decided not to bring up how rude it was to decide to host a party where somebody else lived. And besides, she could appreciate taking advantage of the Hakurei shrine maiden.

'Well, consider me there.'

* * *

'Yuyuko! I'm back!'

Yuyuko came flying out of the house, fork and spoon at the ready.

'Try not to eat too much, there's going to be more food to mooch off at Reimu's party tonight,' said Yukari cheerfully.

'I feel like we've been reduced to beggars,' said Youmu, embarrassed.

'Oh, don't worry about it. Reimu needs to learn to be more generous instead of asking for donations all the time. She's probably rolling in cash and nobody knows any the wiser.'

Ran frowned, eyeing off Yukari's purse.

'You are such a bad person.'

'Love you too, Ran,' said Yukari, petting her familiar between the ears.

She didn't stop glowering, but she didn't look as upset either.

'We should at least bring something ourselves,' insisted Youmu.

'But aren't you guys struggling for cash at the moment?' asked Yukari. 'You could just show up, I promise nobody will remember who brought what.'

Yuyuko scratched her chin. 'I think we've got plenty of booze left.'

Youmu clapped her hands together. 'The sake, of course!'

She ducked back back into the house.

'What do you say we try out some of the sake before the party, Yuyuko?' asked Yukari. 'Make sure it's a good enough quality to serve to other people, yes?'

Yuyuko's lips curled. 'What a good idea. Ran, how about you join us?'

'I shouldn't.'

'Just a sip, come on,' insisted Yuyuko, cupping Ran's hands in her own.

'Oh, alright then. Just this once.'

'Wow, there's so much more than I remember!' exclaimed Youmu, hopping back out, a bottle and cups in tow.

'Wonderful!' Yuyuko smiled. 'Plenty to go around!'

'Could I have some?' asked Chen.

Yukari grinned and began filling a glass. Noticing Ran's icy stare, she froze.

'You'll have to wait until you're older, Chen,' said Yukari. 'This one was for me. Honest.'

She took a sip to prove it.

* * *

'You're scaring away all the worshippers!'

Reimu's cries fell on entirely deaf ears. Once a youkai party started, there was nothing that could be done but let it run its course.

'Ahaha!'

It was then that Yuyuko Saigyouji fell out of the sky, landing square on poor Reimu's face.

'Lady Yuyuko!'

Youmu ran up to the tangled pair in a panic. She bustled around her master, checking she wasn't hurt in any way. Yuyuko was too busy chortling to care.

'You missed, Yukari!'

'You can't expect me to perfectly control my gaps after that much sake,' replied Yukari as she herself perfectly opened a gap in front of the ghost princess, and stepped delicately out onto the grass. She hid her grin behind her folding fan.

'Yu-ka-ri!' Reimu popped her head out from beneath Yuyuko. 'This party, it's your doing, isn't it?'

Yukari shared a look with Marisa, who was standing behind Reimu making semi-desperate hand motions in what she could only translate as to keep quiet.

'So suspicious, my dear Hakurei shrine maiden. You'll never make any friends like that, you know.'

'I knew it!' shrilled Reimu, brushing herself off as Yuyuko slid off her, still chucking.

'Now, now,' said Yukari, dropping a bottle of sake in the shrine maiden's hands. 'Might as well enjoy it while it lasts, right?'

Reimu glared at the pair of them before stalking off.

'My, she's prickly today, isn't she?' said Yukari.

'She still took the bottle with her,' observed Ran.

'Well, it's okay if she doesn't want to share a drink with us. So long as she doesn't try to expunge us from the grounds. Oh, it's the vampire!'

Yukari made her way over to the denizens of the Scarlet Devil Mansion. Ran wandered off, presumably to talk with her friends and complain about their bosses together.

'Sakuya, hello!' waved Yukari, approaching the group.

'Oh, miss Yakumo. Good to see you again.'

'Where's Meiling?'

'I took your advice, and I'm showing her some tough love. She's been disallowed from coming to the party today.'

Yukari nodded sagely. 'Oh, believe me, it's for the best.'

Remilia spoke up, revealing her fangs as she said, 'We've chained her up in the dungeons, and been getting Flan to poke her every few minutes so she can't sleep.'

'Ahaaa.' Yukari drew a smile. Being in the employ of the Scarlet Devil Mansion sounded rough. 'It is what a villain like her deserves, I suppose.'

'"Villain" is a little harsh,' objected Sakuya. 'Like you said, she only needs to be taught a lesson.'

'Indeed.'

If Yukari was feeling particularly benevolent then, she could have probably slipped Meiling a snack or two from the party. In all honesty, she considered it.

'Nah.'

'What was that, miss Yakumo?' asked Sakuya.

'Oh, nothing.' Yukari shook her head, and lifted her cup. 'Cheers!'

'Cheers!'

* * *

Feeling a bit tipsy, Yukari slid back into her futon. Yuyuko insisted she spent the night. Knowing how Yukari slept, she knew that naturally translated into 'nights'. Still, she was always a hospitable individual, and Yukari was just as happy to accept.

Briefly checking under the covers to be certain she wasn't lying on Chen again, Yukari drifted off.

Life was good.


End file.
